Preparing For The New Millennium
by DarkAngel666
Summary: It's time to ring in the new millennium with the cast of FF7! Yes it is really late, I know. It was my first fanfic.


                                                           Final Fantasy 7 in "Preparing For The New Millennium"

                                                                                       by Dark Angel 666

   All the characters of FF7 are property of Squaresoft and are not mine. But this fanfic is mine and no one can take it from me. HAHAHAHA!! Anyway, enjoy the fanfic.  And please send all comments to dragon_knight82@hotmail.com

                                                                               ******************

  The story begins in Cloud's Villa where Cloud, Vincent, Barret and Cid are sitting on the couch watching a special news report on Y2K. Aeris, Tifa and Yuffie are in the kitchen talking about cramps. Cait Sith is trying to rebuild Midgar while going through a mid-life crisis and Red is at the vet being neutered.

Reporter**:" It is said that when the clocks strike midnight on December 31,power will go out world wide and nuclear weapons will fire on their own which probably could put some ones eye out...On a greater note there is a virus going around that causes people to involuntary crap their pants. And that's all for tonight's news."**

  Cloud shuts off the TV and stares blankly at the screen.

Cid**:"Whoa, did ya f*#$ing hear that!!"**

Cloud**:"Ya, that Y2K thing sounds kinda serious."**

Cid**:"NO, not that you f&#*ing queer!! I'm talking 'bout that virus that makes you $(^@ yourself!"**

  Cloud and Barret both give Cid an odd look while Vincent just stares at the ground.

Barret**: "Well, I don't know 'bout da rest of ya but I think dis Y2K thin' iz jus' a load of $&#%."**

Cloud**: "So, uh, Vincent what's your say on this?"**

  Vincent continues to stare at the ground, when he suddenly falls to his knees and holds his head in his hands.

Vincent**: "****LUCRECIA!!!!........Hey a penny." falls to the ground unconscious for no apparent reason.**

Cloud, Barret, Cid**: "......................."**

C.S.**: who just came in "Hey everybody did you see the news report?"**

Cid**:"....Ain't you supposed to be in Midgar? How the f*$& did you get here so f*#&ing fast?!"**

C.S.**: "Well the authoress needing to put me in the fanfic somewhere so she decided to bring me in where it would make little to no sense."**

Barret**: "Why?"**

C.S.**: "It was her pitiful attempt at humor."**

Cloud, Barret, Cid**: "Oh."**

C.S.**:"So, did ya see that news report on Y2K?"**

Cloud**:"Ya, maybe we should stock up on toilet paper....I like toilet paper it feels good against my bum-bum."**

Barret**:"...........Ah, ya. Cid how many should we get?"**

Cid**:"A couple rolls outta do it."**

Barret**: "****A COUPLE ROLLS?!! Don't ya think dat a bit much!?"**

Cid**:"Ya, you're probably right."**

Barret**: "Damn straight."**

Vincent**: who just woke up "Ow, my head hurts." notices Cait Sith "I thought you were in what's left of Midgar?"**

Cid**:"Ya, well, he ain't any more so shut the hell up."**

Vincent**: "Make me asswipe!"**

Cid**: "F*#^ you vampire!!" pulls out his Venus Gospel**

Vincent**: "****I AM NOT A VAMPIRE!!!!" takes out his Death Penalty and points it at Cid's head "****DIE!!"**

  They both lunge at each other and a big fight ensues. Cloud, Cait Sith and Barret

start making bets on who the winner will be.

Barret**:"3000 gil on da vampire."**

Vincent**: shoots Cids shoulder "I am not a vampire!!" takes a shot at Barret but misses and quickly resumes the fight.**

Cloud**: "4000 on Cid."**

C.S.**: "And I say 3000 on Vincent."**

Yuffie**: who just walked in through the front door "5000 on Cid."**

Cloud**: "...Yuffie your supposed to come in through the kitchen and say your line, not the front door you dumbass materia bitch!"**

Yuffie**: "Alright, have it your way." in a quieter tone "You spiky haired jackass."**

exits back through the front door.

  The sound of a window opening could be heard followed shortly by the sound of glass breaking and a loud scream comes from the kitchen.

Aeris**: "****AAHHHHHHH!!!! The blood, the blood!! Dear god, there's so much blood!!!!"**

Tifa**: "Nice going Yuffie! Do you have any idea how long it's gonna take me to clean this mess up!!........Hey isn't that you're liver? I'll go put it on ice for you." picks up Yuffie's liver and sticks it in the freezer.**

  Yuffie comes stumbling out of the kitchen trying to stop the bleeding from the

gapping hole in her side or where ever the liver is located.

Yuffie**: "5000....on ....Cid." she collapses to the ground and dies.**

  Cid and Vincent keep fighting until Vincent grabs Cid's spear and shoves it up his ass.

Vincent**: "****WOOHOO, I win! Kiss my ass Cid!" starts doing the Macarena but quickly stops when he notices the strange looks from the others. "What?"**

Barret**: "Ok, Cloud pay up." Cloud pays him. "You too materia bitch." no answer. "Materia bitch?"**

C.S.**: sees Yuffie's body and feels for a pulse. "She's dead. From the looks of it I'd say she died from loss of blood.... That and her liver is missing."**

Barret**: "I pity da foo' who dies before paying me."**

Vincent**: "Do you pity everybody for every thing?"**

Barret**: "Yes."**

Tifa**: comes in from the kitchen. "Is Yuffie alright I still have some yelling to do."**

Cloud**: "She's dead."**

Tifa**: sees Yuffie's body and all the blood on the floor, and the blood that's still coming from the body. "Damn it! I just got through clean the mess in the kitchen and now I have another mess it the living room! And on the carpet!" keeps staring at the bleeding corpse and gets really angry at all the blood that's still coming out of Yuffie. "Will somebody use a phoenix down or something!!?**

Everybody** except for Cid who's still trying to get his spear out of his ass****: "****WHY!!"**

Tifa**: "So she'll stop bleeding all over the f&$#ing floor!!"**

Vincent**: "Why not just dump her body in a dumpster?"**

Tifa**: "And what if the cops find her? We'll be the first people they question!"**

Barret**: "So, we jus' tell 'em da truth, dat she killed herself."**

Tifa**: "Like their going to believe that. Just f*$&ing revive her right now or there'll be more blood spilled and it won't be hers!!" takes out an AK-47 and waves it around. "****NOW!!!!"**

  Everyone starts fumbling around trying to find something to revive Yuffie .Finally Cloud finds his revive materia and casts Life2 on Yuffie. Just then Aeris walks out of the kitchen looking very pale and keeps mumbling something like "So much blood." suddenly an evil thought enters Tifa's head.

Tifa**: "Hey, Aeris could you help me clean up ALL this blood?"**

Aeris**: sees the blood all over the carpet. "****AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!" runs out of the room and into her bedroom, screaming all the way.**

Tifa**: "What crawled up her butt?" *thinks* Heh heh heh heh. My plan to destroy that little Cetra bitch is finally coming together and once she's out of the picture Cloud will be mine. ****HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! *ends thinking***

Yuffie**: "What happened?" sees her own blood on the floor. "Whoa, who died?"**

C.S.**: "You did."**

Yuffie**: "Huh?"**

Barret**: "Foo' don't ya rememba clinbin' through da window and gettin' cut up?"**

Yuffie**: "Oh, yeah."**

Tifa**: "Hey, Cloud, have you stocked up on the things we need for Y2K?"**

Cloud**: "Don't worry we're planning on getting a roll of toilet paper this afternoon, so we'll be all set."**

Vincent**: "....I think all that hair gel has finally seeped into his head."**

Tifa**: "Cloud, nuclear weapons will fire, killing a lot of people. There will be a world wide black out that will last who knows how long, which will probably result in panics in the street and a lot of looting."**

Yuffie**: "Looting?"**

Cloud**:"....Your point is?"**

Tifa**: *sigh* "If we don't stock up on food and stuff we might not see this Y2K thing through."**

Vincent**: "I don't think we have much to worry about. It's probably just a government conspiracy to see how people would react in a crisis."**

Barret**: "Damn Shinra!!"**

Tifa**: "Oh shut up Barret!!"**

Barret**: *sniff* "Well, ya, don't haveta be so mean!" *sniff* "I know when I ain't wanted!" runs out of the room crying like a little girl.**

C.S.**: "Man, who woulda thought that deep down Barret was such a pansy."**

Cloud**: *snickers* "Ya, who woulda thought." *giggle*. soon his snickering and giggling turns into hysterical laughter and in a matter of seconds everyone in the room is doubled over in laughter, except for Cid because he's still working on getting his spear out of his ass.**

Tifa**: wipes a tear from her eye. "Ok, where were we?"**

Vincent**: "I was telling you not to worry and stuff."**

Tifa**: "Oh, right." clears her throat. "We can't take that chance! Listen up everyone we're having an AVALANCHE meeting in half an hour!!"**

Cloud**: "Hey, I'm the leader only I can call the meetings!"**

Vincent**: "Then quit whining and call it."**

Cloud**: "Fine, I will....Listen up everyone we're having an AVALANCHE meeting in half an hour!!"**

Vincent**: sarcastically "Feel better?"**

Cloud**: "Much."**

  Everyone leaves the room to do their own thing, completely forgetting about Cid as he finally succeeds in getting his spear out of his ass.

Cid**: unable to move due to a lot of pain in his rear. "Could somebody cast cure or something?" no answer. "Hello?" no answer. "Where the f*&# is everyone!!" he try's to move but dislocates his butt joint. "*#^&*@?$*@^$&$^@&(!?%?%*$^&*$^$&@*))!#&$&$($($)@&%()!()!#)&#)$&!)$&#%*)@$&$*$(&^#(^$(@$&$*$(^@$*$*($^@*($!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"**

                                             'Half-hour later'

  Everyone is sitting around the table in the dining room, which is right next to the kitchen so they have easy access to the food, arguing about who stole Cait Siths' eggo. Cid was also there after finally being rescued when Tifa came in after getting annoyed with all the cussing.

C.S.**: "Yuffie, leggo my eggo!!"**

Yuffie**: "I didn't steal your damn eggo, you stupid cat!!"**

C.S.**: "You, not steal something? Hah! The day we find something missing and you didn't do it, is the day I stick a firecracker up my butt!"**

Yuffie**: "You'll wish you hadn't said that when you find out I didn't take you f*#&ing eggo!!"**

C.S.**: "Aeris was it you?"**

Aeris**: "Now, why would I steal your eggo? I don't even like eggos." everyone stares at her in shock. "What?"**

Barret**: "Y-yo don't like eggos? B-but everybody likes eggos."**

Aeris**: "Sorry, but that's just how I feel."**

C.S.**: "Then who stole my eggo?!" starts crying**

Cloud**: "What kind was it?"**

C.S.**: "It was a chocolate one. Those are my favorite."**

Vincent**: "So, just make another one."**

C.S.**: "That's not the point! I had an eggo and someone sto........Hey what's that on your mouth?!"**

Vincent**: "N-nothing." try's to wipe off the little smudges of chocolate that were around his mouth**

C.S.**: "No, wait I saw something." he funs across the table and wipes off a small piece of chocolate and taste it. "You, it was you!! You bastard!!"**

Yuffie**: "And you know what that means .Heh heh heh heh heh."**

Cid**: "And I got the firecracker right here." reaches inside his jacket and pulls out a firecracker.**

Tifa**: "I thought you only carried dynamite?"**

Cid**: "Ya, well, I ran out a while ago and, damn the prices for dynamite these days.**

The only thing I could afford were these f#$&ing weak-ass pieces of crap!"

Aeris**: "Why didn't you just wait until you had more money? Or you could've asked us."**

Cid**: ".....................Shut up!! Do you wanna see Cait Sith stick a firecracker up his butt or not!?"**

Aeris**: "Well, yes."**

C.S.**: "Hey!"**

Barret**: "Yo, quit yo stalling foo' and hurry up!"**

  Cait Sith takes the firecracker from Cids' hands and quickly rams it up his ass.

C.S.**: "There I did it you happy now? Ah, could somebody help me get it out, I can't seem to reach it."**

Yuffie**: "Why don't we light it?"**

C.S.**:"H-hey I never said anything about lighting it." starts to panic.**

Yuffie**: "Ya, well I'm changing that. Grab him and tie him down!"**

  Cait Sith try's to run but is quickly stop when Vincent and Cid tackle him to the ground and tie him up.

Yuffie**: "Hey, Cid gotta light?"**

Cid**:"Bet your ass I do." takes his cigarette out of his mouth and hands it to Yuffie.**

Yuffie**: with a look of mild disgust. "Eww. Oh, well."**

C.S.**:"****N-NO, PLEASE I'LL DO ANYTHING!!!! ANYTHING!!!!!!!!"**

Yuffie**: "Anything huh?" *thinks* Anything I want. Hmmm, which would I rather, a slave who would obey my every command no matter how ridiculous or humiliating or would I rather see Cait Siths' ass blown off.....Ass blown off it is.*ends thinking***

"Nice offer Cait but I, and I'm sure everyone else, would rather see your furry little ass blown off." take the cigarette and lights the firecracker.

C.S.**:"****NO, PLEASE NO!! I'M BEGGING YOU NO PEA-." gets cut off when his entire body blows up.**

  Everyone stares in silence at all the bits and pieces of Cait Sith that are everywhere.

Cid**: "Heh heh heh, cool."**

Vincent**: "................I guess that means he's not going to eat the rest of the eggos. Ah, excuse me." runs off to finish the eggos.**

Barret**: "....I be right back. I haveta go tinkle. " runs to the little sailors room.**

Tifa**: "Great, now I have another mess to clean up."**

Cloud**: "Wow, didn't see that coming." scratches himself and belches.**

Aeris**: she just continues to stare for awhile before deciding to speak her mind.**

"Holy s#*&!!"

Everyone**: *gasp***

  Barret comes running into the room with piss coming down his leg.

Barret**: "Damn, I hate it when I piss myself."**

  Vincent pokes his head out of the kitchen with three eggos crammed into his mouth.

Vincent**: "Pjfjuejkkfhswihugjdu." he starts choking and runs back in to the kitchen and opens the refrigerator pulling out a carton of milk. He try's to take a drink but finds it empty."****MOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!"**

Cid**: "Hey, Vinny?"**

Vincent**: "Mef?" still choking.**

Cid**: holds up the last carton of milk. "Got milk?" gulps down the rest of the milk and laughs evilly.**

Vincent**: "****MOOOO!!!!" starts to pass out.**

Aeris**: "Cloud use this." tosses Cloud a materia.**

Yuffie**: "****MINE!!"**

 Yuffie makes a leap for the materia but it is taken away from her and she falls flat on her face, breaking her nose. Cloud stands up, holding the materia high above his head.

Cloud**: "****REDUSED FAT MILK!!!!" he screams at the top of his lungs and stands tall and proud as though he actually had some dignity after that little display.**

  A glass of milk appears in front of Vincent, who quickly gulps in down.

Vincent**: "Thanks Cloud." walks back to his seat a little embarrassed at being such a pig.**

Cid**: "Can we start this *#^@^%&@&#^(@&@($#?%@*^  f*$&ing meeting already?!"**

Aeris**: "Shouldn't we wait for Cait Sith No.3 to get here and for Red to came back from the vets?"  **

Cloud**: "Ah, screw'em."  
  
Yuffie****: "Wait why is Red at the vets?"**

Cid**:"Cause that damn cat wouldn't stop humping my leg!"**

  Everyone starts laughing hysterically and after several minutes they calm down finally ready to start the meeting.

Cloud**: "Alright, we'll fill in Red, and maybe Cait, later.....As you all know in five days this Y2K thing is gonna hit and you all know what's supposed to happen."**

Yuffie**: "I don't."**

Cloud**: "Shut up."**

Yuffie**: "Okay."**

   ***CRASH***

Barret**: "...Da hell waz dat?"**

  Everyone remains seated not wanting to bother with it.

Tifa**: "Well, we can't just sit on our asses all day hoping whatever made that noise comes in and presents its' self."**

Cid**: "Maybe you can't."**

Tifa**: "Come on!"**

  Everybody gets up all very annoyed by the interruption. Vincent lingers behind starting to get really pissed.

Vincent**: "When the hell are we gonna get this damn meeting over with?! I've got nowhere to go and eggos to eat!" looks at his watch. "And it's been a whole seven minutes since I last had an eggo!" he follows the other into the living room, wishing he could eat some eggos.**

                                   'In the living room'

  Everyone piles into the living room and stares and the limp body of Red XIII.

Aeris**: "Hurry, someone revive him!"**

Barret**: in a whiny voice. "But, why foo'?"**

Aeris**: *sigh* "So, he can tell us why he's back so soon. Beside this isn't Yuffie we're talking about, Red isn't expendable."**

Barret**: "Well, dat iz true."**

Yuffie**: "Hey!"**

Aeris**: "So?"**

Barret**: "Cloud, you do it."**

Cloud**:*sigh* "Fine." he pulls out his revive materia ready to cast it.**

Red**:*groan***

Tifa**: "Hey, look Red's alive!........Barely."**

  Red slowly gets up looking very dazed and about ready to puke.

Red**: "C-cure please." starts to wobble.**

Cloud**: "Hold it! Now I didn't take out my revive materia just so I could put it back without even using it! As I see it I have two options. One is to simply act rationally and cure Red and the other it to just kill him so I can use my materia and be happy. And since I'm not the rational type I'll just kill him."**

Red**: "Is that you mommy?"**

  Cloud raises his big ass sword and brings it down really, really fast which neatly cuts Reds' head. The head falls to the ground with a loud thud and rolls under the couch, leaving a trail of blood behind.

Tifa**: "****DAMN IT!! I'M REALLY STARTING TO GET PISSED OFF HERE!!"**

Cloud**: "And now to revive him."  he cast life2 on Red and a new head grows on the lifeless form.**

Red**:*moans***

Cloud**: "There, you see, no harm done."**

Tifa**: "How dense can you be?!"**

Cloud**: "Very."**

Tifa**: "Now, I have another mess to clean up!!"**

Aeris**:*thinks* That's it you stupid slut. Keep yelling at him. Soon he'll be mine. ****MWAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA!!!!....Man, I'm thirsty. *ends thinking***

Barret**: "Hey, Aeris don't ya like cower at de sight of blood or somin'?"**

Aeris**: "After Red explains what he's doing here."**

Vincent**: "So, uh, what ARE  you doing here? We all thought you were at the vets getting neutered 'cause you wouldn't stop humping Cids' leg."**

Red**: "Speaking of which." runs up to Cid and starts humping his leg.**

Cid**: "****AAHHHH!!!! GET OFF, GET OFF!!!! STOP IT YOU F*#^@ING ASSHOLE, LET GO!!!!" he keeps shaking his leg until Red falls off. "****DO THAT AGAIN AND I'LL NEUTER YOU MYSELF!!!!**

**&#@DAMN IT NOW I HAVETA CHANGE MY F&$#ING PANTS!!!!" he runs out of the room and five seconds later returns wearing a new pair of pants and sets fire to the old ones.**

Yuffie**: "Yo, Red."**

Red**: "Oh, right." looks around at everyone before he explains. "Well, it started early this morning when Cid and Barret dragged me down to the vets." Red closes his one good eye and everything turns white and a flash back thing happens.**

                           'At the vets earlier that morning'

Cid**:"I want you to neuter him now!!"**

Red**: unable to talk due to the fact that his mouth is tightly secured with duck tape.**

"...............................!!"

Vet**: "I need time to set up the equipment, so for now just stick him in that cage which is obviously too small for him." he points to a cage that is half the size of Red himself.**

  Cid and Barret drag Red over to the cage and some how manage to stuff him in it.

Red**:*thinks* Those assholes will pay dearly for this........Oh, great what a time to have to lick myself. Damn! *ends thinking***

                                            'Twenty minutes later'

Vet**: "Why don't I just remove that tape." he rips off the tape like a band-aid, removing Reds' fur along with it.**

  Red howls in pain and backs into a corner, whimpering.

Red**: "That hurt!!"**

Vet**:".......................You can talk?"**

Red**: "Yes, I can talk! And I'm begging you not to neuter me!"**

Vet**: "Sorry, but those men are paying me to neuter you and neuter you is what I'm gonna do. So why don't you just hop up on this table?"**

Red**: "You can't!! Haven't you seen the ending to the game?!"**

Vet**: "The 'Final Fantasy VII' ending?"**

Red**: "Yes!"**

Vet**: "After the credits go by?"**

Red**: "Yes!!"**

Vet**: "You mean where the screen says '500 years later' and shows you running with two cubs, which would indicate that there is another of your kind that you could mate with?"**

Red**: "Yes, yes!!"**

Vet**: "Never saw it. Now hop up here and let me do this."**

Red**: "****NEVER!!!!" lunges at the vet guy and bites his leg.**

Vet**: "****AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"**

  Red jumps through the nearest window, getting badly cut in the process.

Vet**: clutching his leg. "I should've left the tape on."**

  Red runs at top speed back to the Villa, while getting hit by several cars along the way. Red finally makes it, but instead of going through the opened door he jumps through another window, thus nearly killing him.

  The white light thing happens again and we return to the present. Red opens his eyes to see that everyone had left and found something else to do. Barret, Yuffie and Cloud were playing bingo, Tifa was chasing Aeris with a blood stained cloth and Vincent and Cid were playing hop-scotch for eggos.

Cloud**: "B-19."**

Barret**: "****BINGO!!" does a stupid dance.**

Yuffie**: "Damn."**

Aeris**: "****NO!! KEEP IT AWAY!!"**

Tifa**: "****MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!"**

Cid**: while doing three one footed hops, he trips and falls flat on his face.**

"***$^#&%(!(@^))!%^^?^^$^$&?$^$?$^!%^&^@?&?@&@&^@?!!!! THAT F@#$ING HURT!!!!"**

Vincent**: "I win! I win!" he makes a dive for the plate of eggos and devours them in five seconds.**

Red**: "I thought you guys wanted to hear my story?"**

Cloud**: realizes that Red has finished, comes over. "Well, at first we did but after a few seconds we got bored. Hey, guys Red's finished his stupid story so we can continue with the meeting! But instead of having it in the kitchen we're having it out here, so gather 'round the couch!"**

C.S.**: "Hey, don't start with out me!"**

Vincent**: pulls out his Death Penalty and points it at Caits' head. *****BANG* Cait Sith parts fly everywhere and one sharp pointy object hits Yuffie right in the eye, coming out through the back of her skull and breaks a window.**

Tifa**: "Oh, no! Vincent what have you done! That window cost me 200 gil!"**

Vincent**: "Sorry, Tifa, I didn't know that would happen."**

Tifa**: "Well, seeing as how nobody got hurt or killed, I guess it's alright. But if you ever kill Cait Sith again you better make sure it's outside away from my Villa."**

Cloud**: "I thought it was my Villa."**

Barret**: "Yo, quit yo bitchin' foo'!"**

Cloud**: "Okay." goes over and sits on the couch, trying to figure out who would look hotter in a thong, Sephiroth of Leonardo DiCaprio.**

Tifa**: "Come on, we've got a meeting to finish." she heads towards the couch but trips and falls over Yuffies' corpse. "Ow. Damn it what did I trip over?' sees Yuffies' corpse. "Oh. Hey, Yuffie's dead........again!"**

Cid**:"So, what the hell do ya want me to do about it?!"**

Tifa**: "To revive her dumbass!!"**

Cid**:"Have Cloud do it!"**

Cloud**:*thinks* Sephiroth or Leo, Sephiroth or Leo, Sephiroth or Leo, Sephiroth or Leo? ****AAHHHHH!! I can't decide their both so cute!! *ends thinking***

Tifa**: "I asked you!!**** Ugh, never mind. Vincent you do it."**

Vincent**:*sigh* "Very well, but only because I want this stupid fanfic to end. It's long enough as it is." pulls out Clouds' revive materia, that he 'borrowed' just seconds ago, and cast life2 on Yuffie.**

Yuffie**: "Ugh, what happened?"**

Tifa**: "You were killed again. Now come on we have to finish this meeting."**

  When everyone was seated, minus Cait Sith, Cloud stands, putting his homo thoughts aside for later, and begins to make his speech.

Cloud**: "Okay, people, we have exactly six days until New yea..."**

Aeris**: "Five."**

Cloud**: "Huh?"**

Aeris**: "It's five days not six."**

Cloud**: "Oh, right." clears his throat. "We have five days until New Years Eve, and we need to get food, extra blankets, food and most importantly toilet paper. We'll split up into four groups. Since I've realized that Cait Sith sucks, he's excluded from AVALANCHE and must be killed on sight. Vincent and Yuffie you'll be in charge of getting a years supply of junk food. Barret and Cid you get the warmer blankets. Oh, while your at it get a years supply of fire wood."**

Cid**: "What the f&$# do we need with fire wood?! We live in Costa Del Sol! It's sunny and ($@*^$()%&@#&&%& hot here!"**

Cloud**: "So we can eat marshmallows……………Mmmm……Yummy. Red, Tifa and Aeris, we need you to get a half-years supply of healthy food. But nothing with mushrooms in it, they make me constipated."**

Barret**: "I think dat waz more den we needed to know."**

Cloud**: "And I'll get the toilet paper."**

Vincent**: "…..Why does that scare me?"**

Cloud**: "Alright, everybody, let's mosey on outta here and go gallivanting around!"**

Cid**: "....That has to be the most f&#$ed up weak-ass thing you have ever said!! If ya don't say somin' cool right now I'm gonna kick your f*&#ing ass to hell and back!!" starts shining his spear.**

Cloud**: "Ahhhh." clears his throat. "Come on people lets get the hell outta here and get this *#$^#*$^& shopping done!!"**

Cid**: "That's better."**

  Just as they are about to leave they stop to a familiar voice.

????**: "May I come along?"**

Everyone**:*gasp* "Sephiroth!"**

Seph**: appears in a flash of light. "The one and only."**

Cloud**:*thinks* It's him! He's sooooo hot! I feel giddy as a school girl. What should I say; I mean I'm supposed to hate the guy. Uh, oh, their all looking at me, I better say something manly *ends thinking* "Ah, what are you doing here!!" *thinks* Was that manly enough? Oh, well, can't go back now....I hope he's gay. *ends thinking***

Seph**: "Li..." stares at Aeris for awhile. "Aren't you supposed to be dead?"**

Aeris**: "Aren't you?"**

Seph**: "Ah, toshay."**

Barret**: "Foo' jus' tell why yo here!!"**

Seph**: "Yes, of course. Like I said, I just want to come along."**

Cloud**: "Are you kidding! You killed my mommy Tifas' daddy, you killed Reeve in the Temple of the Ancients, you killed Aeris and probably some other people!"**

Tifa**: "It was Tseng that was killed not Reeve. And nobody cared that Tseng died."**

Cloud**: "I knew that."**

Tifa**: "I know you did." smiles sweetly**

Aeris**: "Grrrrrrr." *thinks* That bitch will pay for that!! *ends thinking***

Seph**: "And I'm sorry, I'm trying to mend my ways. Please?"**

Cloud**: "Well, we do need someone to replace Cait Sith, but you have to prove yourself first."**

C.S.**: comes running in. "Hi, guys!"**

  Frightened, Sephiroth runs up and starts hacking Cait Sith into small kitty chunks.

C.S.**: "****AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" goes offline.**

Cloud**: "You're in."**

Seph**: "Yippee!"**

Yuffie**: "Can we go now?"**

Cloud**: "Sure. Sephiroth you'll be with me." *thinks* If only. *ends thinking* "Lets go people!"**

Cid**: "About &$*damn time."**

  So everyone finally leaves and this fanfic can thankfully move on. ($#%^ this is long)

  AVALAVCHE walks to the Costa Del Sol mall where they split into four groups and go shopping.

                                 'At the Warm Blankets & Fire Wood store' 

Barret**: "And dats why I like Mr. T."**

Cid**: "Just shut the hell up with that Mr.T crap or I'll beat the $&*# outta you!!"**

Barret**: "Like yo did wit' Vincent?"**

Cid**:"****SHUT THE HELL UP!!!!"**

Barret**: "Fine. So what kinda blankets we looking for foo'?"**

Cid**: "Warm ones dumbass!!"**

  They look around for an hour until they got enough blankets.

Cid**: "Now for the wood." walks up to the owner. "I'd like a years supply of *#&^&#% wood."**

Owner**: "Would you like that delivered or do you want to take it yourself?"**

Cid**: "........Do I look like I could carry that much *$^#&^@*^# wood!!? Now I want you to deliver it to this address today!!"**

Owner**: "I'm sorry, but there's no way we can get that much wood in so little time. But we can have it ready tomorrow."**

Barret**: shove his gun arm in the guys face. "Listen foo' if ya don't get da wood today den I jus' haveta come over and blow your f&#*ing head off, ya little *$^@&$*@^*$&@*%^*@!!!!"**

Owner**: severally wets himself. Y-yes s-s-sir."**

Barret**: "Let's go."**

Cid**: "Oh, and deliver these blankets too."**

Owner**: "Yes, s-sir." They both leave. "Damn what a bunch of freaks." He opens the cash register, but is suddenly goes ballistic and explodes in his face. "****AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! IT'S IN MY EYE!!! IT'S IN MY EYE!!!! GET IT OUT!! GET IT OUT!!" he ruins around holding his eye until he runs into one of the isles and it comes crashing down on him. "****AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!" **

  After leaving the store they see two long lines forming.

Barret**: "Hey, Cid waddya think all da commotion iz 'bout?" no answer. "Cid?"  no answer. He turns to knock some sense into Cid, but finds him running at top speed toward one of the stores, pushing and cussing the people in front of him.**

Cid**: "Get the hell outta my ya fat ass *%^@%P$?$@%?%@&(!#*%?&%)(*?$*(*&$&%@$@&%^ retard!!!! You too fagot!!!!" continues to push and cuss.**

Barret**: "What da hell iz wrong wit' him?" looks at the sign above the door. 'Meet the cast of "Dukes of Hazard" one day only.' "Don't know why someone would get all excited over somin' like da "Dukes of Hazard", it jus' don't make no sense."**

Cid**: "I said move your ass!!!!" stabs a guy through the neck. "I told ya to move!"**

  Barret turns away and begins to leave but stops suddenly and looks at another sign and gasps. 'Mr. T act-alike contest. Winner will receive an original Mr. T outfit complete with gold chains, rings and earrings and equipment to give yourself the perfect Mr. T mo-hawk hair cut'

Barret**: in a dreamlike voice. "I now know de true reason for my existence, and dats to win dis contest.....Da da da da da da, ****CHARGE!!!!!" he makes a quick dash for the entrance, knocking most people down, and the ones who didn't move were shot in the balls.**

                                         'At the Junk Food store'

Vincent**: "Alright, Yuffie, you get assorted chocolate and potato chips. I'll get hard candies and eggos."**

Yuffie**: "And don't spend all the gil on eggos!" **

Vincent**: "I said I was gonna buy hard candy besides eggos! Don't you trust me to control myself?!"**

Yuffie**: "Not really."**

Vincent**: "Shut up!! Let's just get this done!"**

  They go their separate ways and begin searching. Yuffie turns a corner and stops dead in her tracks, staring up at a wall filled with the new 'Materia Orb' candy. She starts drooling and takes a step forward, almost slipping on her own drool. She takes one and puts it in her mouth and suddenly begins jumping around and screaming.

Yuffie**: "****CANDY, CANDY, CANDY!!!! SUGAR, SUGAR, SUGAR, SUGAR!!"**

  We leave this frightening scene to join Vincent in his search for eggos....and other stuff.

Vincent**: to himself. "Oops....I did it again. I played with your heart, got lost in the game." slips on a piece of paper. "Ow, my ass. Hey what's this?" looks at the piece of paper. 'Eggos on sale buy ten get one free.' starts hyperventilating. "Must....Buy....bargained.....eggos. " passes out but wakes up a minute later to the sound of screaming.**

Clerk**: "****NO, PUT THAT DOWN!!!! STOP EATING THE MERCHANDISE!!"**

Vincent**: "What the hell?" he walks over to see what's going on and finds Yuffie eating every sweet thing in sight. "Damn. Can't she control herself like me? Oh, well." picks up a giant jawbreaker and smashes it over her head. "That should shut her up."**

Clerk**: "Oh, thank you! How can I repay you?!"**

Vincent**: "You don't have to repay me but, I do need to buy some things."**

Clerk**: "Of course, what do you need?"**

Vincent**: "Well, I'd like to buy a ten years supply of eggos."**

Clerk**: "I know! For payment for saving the store I'll give you a deal. Instead of getting one free you can get two free."**

  Vincent starts drooling and hyperventilating again and passes out.

Clerk**: "Uh, you ok?" pokes him with a stick. "Hello?" continues poking Vincent until he begins to stir.**

Vincent**: "Ugh, mommy can I have another eggo with a side of tequila?" gets poked again. "Ow, what's going on?"**

Clerk**: "You passed out. Are you alright?"**

Vincent**: "I'm fine, happens all the time. So when can I get my eggos?"**

Clerk**: "I can have them delivered tomorrow."**

Vincent**: "Great! Oh, could you also deliver a years supply of assorted chocolates, potato chips and hard candies? And also some gummi bears their yummy."**

Clerk**: "Of course. They should arrive around noon."**

Vincent**: "Thanks." leaves the store dragging Yuffie behind him.**

Clerk**: "What a nice man." *crack* "Huh?" looks up. *crash*   "****AAAAHHHHHHH!!!!" a huge beam falls on him nearly killing him. "Crap! Why do these things always happen to me? Why couldn't it have happened to that nice man?" *crack, crash***

Vincent**: "****MY LEGS, I CAN'T FEEL MY LEGS!!!! MY GOOD ARM, I CAN'T FEEL MY GOOD ARM, AND IT'S BEEN HORRIBLY MUTILATED!!!! NOW I'M GONNA HAVE TO HAVE ANOTHER METAL ARM, ONLY I WANT IT TO BE SILVER 'CAUSE I LIKE THAT COLOR!!!! AND WHY AM I STILL YELLING?!!........I WANT SOME EGGOS!!!! AND I HAVE TO PEE REALLY BAD!!!!"**

Clerk**:"........Hmmmm. I wish that could've happened to my boss." *crack, crash***

Boss**: "****AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!"**

Clerk**: "heh heh heh heh heh heh heh."**

  We now join Tifa, Red and Aeris as they near the 'Health Food' store.

Aeris**: "I think we should put some water away in case something happens to the water we have now."**

Tifa**: "Well, duh. Anyone could've figured that out."**

Aeris**: glares at Tifa.**

Red**: "Except for Cloud. Ever since we defeated Sephiroth and saved the planet, he seems to get dumber with each passing day."**

Aeris**: "I hate saying this but I have to agree. Maybe there's a place where Cloud could be treated for whatever's wrong with him."**

Tifa**: "I think he's fine just the way he is now." puts the tiny tape recorder back down her shirt. *thinks* Yes! All I have to do is play this to Cloud and he'll think Aeris is against him and then he'll be mine. ****MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA....cough, cough, hack, cough.... Wait a minute. How can I cough if I'm only thinking.....? *ends thinking***

Aeris: eyes Tifa suspiciously. "So…what exactly are we gonna get?"

Red**: "We need a variety of vegetables, so we should just look around for awhile and write down all things we need."**

Tifa**: "Why, don't the both of you go and find something else to do and I'll do the shopping."**

Aeris**: "Oh, yeah, you'd like that wouldn't you?!! We slack off while you do all the work and get on Cloud's good side!!"**

Tifa**: "Back off bitch!!"**

Aeris**: "Slut!!"**

Tifa**: "2 gil whore!!"**

Aeris**: "Silicone injected bimbo!!"**

Tifa**: "Hey, these are real!!"**

Aeris**: "Yeah, real expensive!! Britney Spears' breasts are more real than yours'!!**

Tifa**: *gasp* "You....****BITCH!!!!"**

Aeris**: "Maybe the two of you should get together and sing 'Make My Boobies One More Size' you could make a lot money and go one more size!!"**

Tifa**: "That's it!! The Cetra are about to become extinct!!" **

They both lunge at each other and a cat fight begins.

Red**: try's yelling above the constant yelling.  "Ladies! Please calm down! We don't have time for this! Ah, screw it." leaves the scene of hair pulling, yelling and strangling and enters the store.**

Tifa**: "Die bitch!!"**

Aeris**: "The next thing I'm gonna pray for is for your painful death!!"**

Red**: *sigh* spends two hours looking through out the store and somehow was able to write the things down. He walks up to the clerk. "Hello, I would like a half-year supply of these items."**

Clerk**: stares blankly at Red. "..........................................."**

Red**: "You, ok?"**

Clerk**: "......................................."**

Red**: swipes him across the face. "Hey, wake up!"**

Clerk**: "Ow, that hurt what'd you do that for? I was just in character as a shocked clerk."**

Red**: "Sorry about that, but could you be shocked after you help me?"**

Clerk**: "Alright. You wanted a half-year supply of what's on this list?"**

Red**: "Right. When can they be delivered?"**

Clerk**: "tomorrow."**

Red**: "Thank you."**

Clerk**: resumes his shocked expression. ".........................."**

  Red leaves the store and sees Tifa and Aeris laying on the ground unconscious with a number of bruises on their bodies.

Red**: "Wow, they knocked each other out. That ought to keep them quit for awhile." he raps his tail around their legs and drags them all the way back to the Villa.**

  *crack, crash*

Clerk**: "****AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"**

Other Clerk**: "heh heh heh heh heh heh heh."**

  We finally come to the last group of Cloud & Sephiroth as they enter 'Toilet Paper Paradise'.

Seph**: "I am sorry about killing your mom."**

Cloud**: "…I can't forgive you but, I can give you a second chance." gives him a sly look.**

Seph**: *thinks* Why is he looking at me like that? Is he sick or something? ....Oh, $#%! He's gay! What am I gonna do? Wait, when Aeris finds out maybe she'll go out with me. I hope she can forgive me for killing her. *ends thinking* "Ah, thanks."**

Cloud**: "How did you come back?"**

Seph**: "I have no idea. One minute I'm in the Lifestream watching 'Austin Powers' and the next I'm in my room at the Northern Crater watching 'Austin Powers'."**

Cloud**: "Weird, Aeris said the same thing."**

Seph**: "She was in my room?" *thinks* Damn it and I wasn't there. *ends thinking***

Cloud**: "Well, no she ended up in her room at the Villa. Maybe this is some kind of Shinra conspiracy."**

Seph**: "Isn't the president of Shinra and his son dead and Midgar destroyed?"**

Cloud**: "Oh, right....damn."**

Seph**: "So, how much toilet paper are we gonna get?"**

Cloud**: "........Enough. So how's Jenova doing?"**

Seph**: "Well' she's decaying a lot less and she doesn't stink as much. I'm still trying to re-attach the head though."**

Cloud**: "How did she come back?"**

Seph**: "I think the sam-."  *phhhhooooooooooooooootttt* ".............................?"**

Cloud**: "...What was that?"**

Seph**: "Uh, ya know that virus that makes you crap your pants?"**

Cloud**: "....Yeah."**

Seph**: "I think I got."**

Cloud**: takes a couple steps away.**

Seph**: *thinks* I guess it isn't so bad; at least it'll keep Cloud from hitting on me.**

My butt feels itchy. *ends thinking* "I'll be right back."disappears in a flash of light.

Cloud**: *thinks* I hope my Sephypoo will be alright. *ends thinking***

  Cloud continues walking through the store in his search for the right toilet paper.

As he walks down a certain isle he comes to an abrupt stop and stares in awe at all the brands of toilet paper.

Cloud**: "Quilted, two ply, angel soft, oh my!" starts giggling like a school girl and runs up and down the aisle. "Hehehehehehehehehehehehehehehe!"**

Seph**: reappears and sees Cloud running around like a maniac. "And they think I'm a nut case. Sigh." walks up to Cloud and slaps him. "Get a hold of yourself man!"**

Cloud**: "Ow." *sniff* "That hurt."**

Seph**: "Suck it up. We have a job to do."**

Cloud**: *sniff* "O- okay." *snort, sniff***

Seph**: "Now, let's go to that clerk guy and order the damn toilet paper!"**

  They walk up to the clerk with Cloud standing a little to close to Sephiroth.

Clerk**: "Hello, how may I help you?"**

Cloud**: "Yes, I'd like a twenty years supply of 'Charmin double roll' toilet paper."**

Seph**: "Twenty? Uh, Cloud?"**

Cloud**: "Yeah, your right, better make it twenty-five."**

Clerk**: "They will be delivered tomorrow. Thank you for shopping 'Toilet Paper Paradise' "**

  Cloud and Sephiroth leave the store.

Cloud**: "Uh, something doesn't feel right. It feels like something missing,"**

Seph**: "Hmm let me think. So far everyone who has met a member of AVALANCHE either gets scared or injured. And we just met someone and nothing happened."**

Cloud**: "So, what your saying is that we have to go back and hurt the guy, right?"**

Seph**: "No, I was merely making an obse-"**

Cloud**: "To, late!" runs back to the store and breaks the clerks legs.**

Clerk**: "****AAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!"**

Cloud**: "hehehehehehehehehehehehehehehe!" runs back to Sephiroth. "There, problem solved."**

Seph**: "Problem?! There was no problem until you went and broke the guys' legs!!"**

  Cloud only stares blankly, his eyes void of any intelligence.

Seph**: *sigh* "Never mind. Lets' just go back to the Villa."**

  The both leave the mall to return home.

Clerk**: *crack* "?" looks up. "****NO! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD NO!!!!" *crash* "****AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!"**

Other Clerk**: "heh heh heh heh heh heh heh."**

                                                 'The next day'

  Cid, Barret and Red are sitting on the couch watching the Mr. T act-alike contest.

Yuffie is in the kitchen getting a sandwich, while Tifa is once again chasing Aeris with a blood stained cloth. Cloud is sitting in a corner thinking of Sephiroth and Sephiroth is at the doctors trying to cure his crapping problem. Vincent is of course eating eggos.

Barret**: in a Mr. T outfit along with the haircut. "Now watch dis guy. He thinks he'z better den me."**

  As they watch the guy comes up on stage, preparing to do his act when suddenly his head is blown off.

Barret**: "Heh heh heh heh heh."**

Red**: "Did you kill every contestant?**

Barret**: "Yup."**

Red**: "Why didn't you just try to win fairly?"**

Barret**: "Win....fair....ly?"**

Red**: "Never mind. So Cid did you get to meet those 'Dukes of Hazzard' people?"**

Cid**: "Briefly."**

Red**: "What happened?"**

Cid**:"That's none of your *#^damn f*$^ing business!"**

Barret**: "Well, why don't we find out." waves a tape around.**

Cid**: "What the hell is that?"**

Barret**: "A security tape I borrowed from a guy."**

Red**: "When you say 'borrowed' do you mean killed then robbed the corpse?"**

Barret**: "If ya wanna put it dat way."**

Cid**: "Give me the tape and I won't bust your face in!"**

Barret**: "Ok, ok here ya go." gives Cid the tape, who destroys it immediately. "I got another one." pulls out a copy and puts it in the VCR and plays it, while holding Cid down.**

  As they watch the TV it showed the cast of 'Dukes of Hazzard' signing autographs, when suddenly there was a high pitched girlish scream as Cid ran across the room and started tearing at their clothes. The security guards dragged him away with Cid telling them how much he loved them.

Barret, Red**: "..............****HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" the hysterical laughter continues for several minutes and they eventually calm down.**

Barret**: "You waz actin' like a psychotic girl who got ta meet da Backstreet Boys!"**

Yuffie**: runs out of the kitchen. "The Backstreet Boys?! Where, where?! ****AAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!"**

Red**: "Their not here Yuffie. Besides, there's no way that they would come near you after what you did to Nick."**

Yuffie**: "I didn't do anything wrong."**

Red**: "Yuffie, you jump on him started tearing his clothes. You gave him a hug and were starting to strangle him and you wouldn't let him go. The security guards had to drug you to get you off."**

Yuffie**: "He didn't mind."**

Red**: "He has a restraining order against you. Along with every other member."**

Barret**: "When did dis happen?"**

Red**: "Last week."**

Yuffie**: "Well, you se-"**

  *knock, knock*

Barret**: "Da hell waz dat?!"**

Red**: "Relax it's just the door."**

Barret**: "Da door waz knocking....?"**

Red**: walks to the door and opens it to a cop. "May I help you?"**

Cop**: oblivious to the fact that Red is a talking cat. "Is Cid Highwind here?"**

Red**: "Just a second. Hey, Cid there's a cop here to see you!"**

Cid**: "&($%?$?$%&$(!*$(!&%($&($%@??%@%?$!$!*&!!!!" walks up to the cop. "What is it?"**

Cop**: "I have a restraining order for you. From now on you are to stay five hundred feet away from every cast member of the 'Dukes of Hazzard". Have a nice day."**

Cid**: "F*&#!!"**

Barret**: "Man, you jus' pathetic, Haveta stay a hundred feet away."**

Cid**: "Shut up!!"**

Yuffie**: "Five hundred feet? You are pathetic. My restraining order is a hundred miles. ****HA!" does back to the kitchen.**

Red**: "....You and Yuffie have a lot in common. Your both obsessed with people famous, you both attacked the people your obsessed with and you both got restraining orders because of it, though Yuffies' is a bit more serious.**

Barret**: "Foo' da cats right you too do have a lot in common."**

Red**: "I'm not a cat."**

Cid**: finally understands what their talking about. "****I'M NOTHING LIKE THAT F* UP MATERIA BITCH!!!!"**

Barret**: "Ooh feisty. Heh heh heh heh."**

Cid**: "****SHUT THE F*#^ UP!!!!" runs into his room and slams the door behind him. Moments later Red and Barret hear crying.**

Barret**: "Whata wuss."**

Red**: "Wasn't it just yesterday that you ran out of the room crying like a little girl?"**

Barret**: "how do you know 'bout dat?! You waz at da vets!"**

Red**: "Cait Sith told me. He called before Sephiroth killed him."**

Barret**: "He'll pay for dat."**

Red**: "Why don't we just watch Cid make a fool of himself again?"**

Barret**: "Ok."**

  They both return to the TV and watch Cid scream like a little girl and get arrested over and over and over and..........

                                       'Outside with the cop.'

Cop**: "Wow that was some weirdo."  *crack* "The hell wa-" sees a construction metal thing coming straight for him. *crash* "****AAAAHHH!!!!**

**MY BACK!!!"**

Clerk**: "Heh heh heh heh heh heh heh."**

  We join Cloud as he continues to think of Sephiroth.                                               

Cloud**: *thinks*I wonder what I can to do to make Sephiroth love me. Does he like flowers? Maybe chocolates? Maybe I can get him to be my date for New Years Eve. *ends thinking* **

Tifa**: walks up to Cloud after having her 'fun' with Aeris. "Hi, Cloud."**

Cloud**: finally notices her. "Oh, hi Tifa. Um, where's Aeris?"**

Tifa**: a little irritated that he seems more interested in Aeris than her. "I'm sure she's around here somewhere."**

Aeris**: in a chained, sound proof casket inside a padlocked closet. "Hello?! Can anyone here me?!...Tifa you are so dead! Is anybody out there?! Damn it answer me!"**

Tifa**: "So, what have you been doing?"**

Cloud**: "Well, I was just wondering how Sephiroth was doing."**

Tifa**: *thinks* Why would Cloud be thinking of Sephiroth? ...I'm sure he's just being nice. I mean it's not like he's gay or anything. *ends thinking* "That's nice. So, do you have a date for New Years Eve?"**

Cloud**: "Well, I'm kinda holding out for someone." has a far off look in his eyes as he thinks of Sephiroth.**

Tifa**: *thinks* It's her! He's waiting for Aeris! $mn it!! That stupid bitch is gonna die!! *ends thinking* "I'll be right back." leaves to go back to where she left Aeris only to find she's gone. "Where did she go?"**

Aeris**: from behind. "Right here asshole." tackles Tifa.**

Tifa**: "Get off bitch!!" throws Aeris into a wall. "Your gonna die!!"**

Aeris**: "Bite me!"**

Tifa**: "Whore!"**

Aeris**: "Sank!"**

Tifa**: "Thunder thighs."**

Aeris**: "At least I have thighs! And my boobs are real!"**

Tifa**: "Hey, I already told you their real!"**

Aeris**: "Yeah right. If their real, then Pamela Anderson Lee can act!"**

Tifa**: "You are so dead!!"**

Aeris**: "Don't sing it, bring it. Bitch."**

  They both lunge at each other and another cat fight begins. 

Cloud**: *sigh* "Sephiroth you will ever come around?"**

  I now take you to the Kitchen where Vincent is still eating eggos and Yuffie is eating her sandwich.

Vincent**: "What kinda sandwich is that?"**

Yuffie**: "Tuna fish and peanut butter. Want some?"**

Vincent**: looking kind of green. "Ah no thanks.... I think I lost my appetite." looks at the pile of eggos in front of him. "I was wrong." starts stuffing eggo after eggo into his mouth until he cuts of his air. "...........................!!" runs to the refrigerator for some milk but once again finds the carton empty.**

Cid**: from his room with a carton of milk. *sniff, gulp* "Heh heh." *gulp, gulp, snort, sniff* "Heh heh heh....I want my mommy."**

Yuffie**: runs up to Vincent and does the hymlic maneuver until Vincent coughs up the eggos. "You've got a serious problem you know that?"**

Vincent**: "I'm fine, but I don't think I'll do that again." looks at the partly chewed and wet eggos. "Mmmmm, partly chewed eggos." makes a dive for them and quickly eats them.**

Yuffie**: "Ewwww. That's disgusting." leaves to go watch TV.**

Vincent**: "....She was one eating a tuna fish and peanut butter sandwich....Fruitcake." continues to eat eggos.**

  Since this is starting to bore me we'll go back to the living room, where Barret is hitting Yuffie in the head.

Yuffie**: "Ow, stop it!! That hurts!!"**

Barret**: "Well, dats what you get for sayin' Mr. T iz gay!!"**

Cid**: finally came out of his room after having a good cry. "Yeah, kill her!"**

Barret**: "Yo, shut up foo'!" keeps pounding Yuffie who now has a serious concussion.**

  *knock, knock*

Barret**: "****DA DOORS ALIVE RUN!!!!" dives underneath a table, pulling out a teddy bear and starts sucking his thumb. *thinks* I want my mommy, I want my mommy, I want my mommy, I want my mommy. etc. *ends thinking***

Red**: shakes his head and goes and answers the door. "Hello."**

Familiar voice**: "Hello. I'm here with the things you ordered yesterday."**

Red**: "Ah, ye-" get pushed into a wall by Cid.**

Cid**: "Hey, asshole I said I wanted the *&%damn wood delivered yesterday! Now how come that didn't happen!!?"**

Familiar voice**: "Um, well, ah, you s-see um, w-w-we weren't a-able to um, get it all u-u-u-until today."**

Cid**: I don't wanna none of your *$^@&^@&*@& excuses!" whips out his Venus Gospel and slices the guys arm off. But instead of blood coming out in was sparks. "The hell?" slices the guys' clothes off to reveal Cait Sith. "Cait Sith?!"**

Barret**: comes out from beneath the table. "Foo' I gonna kick yo ass for tellin' da cat about dat crying' incident!!"**

Red**: "I not a cat!"**

C.S.**: "Listen Barret I didn't mean to. I was just calling up and when Red answered we just started talking and it slipped out!"**

Barret**: "Dats your problem! ****DIE!!....again." starts shooting blindly and sparks fly everywhere. a piece of active wire lands in a puddle of water that Yuffie was standing in and gets an electrocuted....and dies.**

C.S.**: "The horror, oh the horror." goes offline.**

Barret**: "Heh heh heh heh ." **

Red**: "Barret you killed Yuffie."**

Barret**: "Dats a bad thing?"**

Cloud**: who just came in and sees the body of Cait Sith." Oh, Cait Sith's dead. Good work."**

  Cloud then sees Yuffie's body and cast life2. She gets up in the puddle of water and gets electrocuted and dies again. Cloud cast life2 again and Yuffie gets up in the puddle of water and gets electrocuted and dies. This continues for about an hour until Cloud finally understands what's happening. He walks up to Yuffie and try's to move her body only to get electrocuted himself.

Vincent**: sees the bodies. "Cloud you are such a dumbass." pulls out a materia that he just invented and casts float. The two bodies float to a safe place where Vincent casts life2.**

Cloud**: "Wow, what a rush."**

Yuffie**: "Speak for yourself."**

Cloud**: "I was."**

Yuffie**: "Shut up."**

Red**: "At least our stuff is here." **

Cid**:"Hey, where're Tifa and Aeris?"**

Seph**: appears in a flash of light. "I saw them unconscious in the hall." *thinks* I hope Aeris is alright. *ends thinking***

Cloud**: *thinks* At least my Sephybear is alright. *ends thinking* "We should start putting this stuff away. Uh, right Red?"**

Red**: "Yes, Cloud. I want some one to go and help Tifa and Aeris then we will put this stuff in out nuclear bomb shelter." (Don't ask me where this stuff comes from I just write it as I go.)**

  After Barret woke up Tifa and Aeris and broke up another fight everyone puts everything away in five minutes. And just as they finish putting the things away, the unthinkable happens.

Everyone**: *ppppoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooootttt* "...............................?!!"**

                                            'Two days later'  

  Everyone is in the living room except for Aeris who is some where else.

Barret**: "Yo, Cloud we outta toilet paper!!"**

Cloud**: "What happened to all the toilet paper I got the other day?"**

Barret**: "It'z all gone."**

Cloud**: "Fine I'll get some more today." starts thinking about the chance to get more toilet paper. "Hehehehehehehehehehehe."**

Barret**: ".........?"**

Seph**: "Has anyone seen Aeris?"**

Cid**: "I think I saw her in the kitchen. Now shut the hell up and leave me the f&#% alone! I'm trying to watch the Dukes!"**

Seph**: "Ah, thanks."**

Cid**: "****I SAID SHUT THE HELL UP!!!!"**

Seph**: "........" leaves and goes into the kitchen and finds Aeris. "Hi, Aeris."**

Aeris**: "Oh, hi Sephiroth."**

Seph**: "....I was wondering if you had date for New Years Eve."**

Aeris**: "Well I'm waiting for some one to ask me."**

Seph**: "Oh, well because if you didn't I was thinking of um, asking you."**

Aeris**: *thinks* Hmmmm. If I make Sephiroth my date it might make Cloud jealous**

Heh heh heh heh.*ends thinking* "Ok, I'll be your date."

Seph**: "Really?! Great! I wa-"**

  *crack, crash*

Yuffie**: "****AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!"**

Cid**: "****SHUT UP &#$DAMN IT!!!!"**

Clerk**:"Heh heh heh heh heh heh heh."**

Cid**: "****$@*&$()@*%#?%^^?@%@^?!%&?!!!!!!!!! SHUT UP!! *%)%?^!^%)@*%?%%&^*@%(?^?##^(@*(^%()^%!!!!!!!!"**

Clerk**: "............................!"**

Seph**: "Uh?"**

Aeris**: "That was ah interesting."**

Seph**: "....Anyway, I'll see you later then?"**

Aeris**: "Yeah."**

  Sephiroth leaves the kitchen and walks into Cloud.

Cloud**: "Hello, Sephiroth." *winks***

Seph**: "Oh, hi Cloud."**

Cloud**: "So do have a date for New Years Eve?" gives him a funny look.**

Seph**: "Yes, as matter of I do. It's Aeris."**

Cloud**: "...Yeah well, I can get a date too!" runs up to Tifa. "Tifa will you be my date for New Years Eve?"**

Tifa**: with a dreamy look. "Yes. Yes I will."**

Cloud**: "Good." glares at Sephiroth.**

Cid**: "****(%#^?%&!$)%?%?%(!#()&^%)@((*%(@?@^*@$)%?%&*@%^((@?%($%!!!!!!!!!!!!! SHUT THE F&#% UP &#@DAMN IT!!!!!!!!**

Cloud, Tifa**: "..............................."**

                                                 'New Years Eve'      (about time)

  Everyone is in the living room listening to music. Sephiroth is standing by Aeris and Cloud is standing by Tifa, glaring at Aeris. Barret and Yuffie are dancing like idiots to some song. Vincent is sitting in a recliner eating eggos. (Duh) And Red is licking himself.

Aeris**: "I can't believe we're about to enter the year 2000."**

Cloud**: "Yeah, it don't seem possible." glares at Aeris**

Aeris**: *thinks* It's working he's glaring at Sephiroth.....Wait a minute, is glaring at me?" *ends thinking* "Uh, is something wrong Cloud?"**

Cloud: unable to control himself. "How could you Aeris!? How could you?"

Aeris**: "How could I what?"**

Cloud**: "Go out with Sephiroth!!"**

Aeris**:*thinks*****YES!! It worked! Now Cloud is mine! *ends thinking* "Well, I'm sorry."**

Tifa**: "****NOOO!"**

Cloud**: "I wanted to be his date!!"**

  The music stops and everyone stares at Cloud mouths opened. Vincent stops eating his eggos and his mouth drops open and some moist chewed eggos falls from his mouth which he quickly puts back into his mouth and swallows them.

Tifa**: "You're gay?!"**

Cid**: "(&@^$(@^*$!!!!"**

Cloud**: "Of course, what did you think?"**

Yuffie**: " Oh, I don't know, maybe that you were straight?"**

Cloud**: "Come on I don't wear this slightly purplish uniform just because it was required. In fact one of the qualifications to join SOLDIER was that you had to be gay. Me and Zack were very close. Everyone in SOLDIER is gay. **

Seph**: "I'm not!"**

Tifa**: "Then why did you ask me to be your date?"**

Cloud**: "I was hoping to make Sephiroth jealous."**

Red**: "Why didn't you tell us soon?"**

Cloud**: "I thought you knew. Besides I think the fact that I like Hanson would have tipped you off."**

Yuffie**: "So, you're gay."**

Cloud**: "Yup."**

Yuffie**: "Then could come shopping with me? I need a new wardrobe."**

Cloud**: "Ok."**

Vincent**: "Are you a cross-dresser too?"**

Cloud**: "No, just gay."**

Aeris**: "So how much longer until midnight?"**

Barret**: "Two minutes."**

  The next minute and fifty seconds were spent with everyone dancing and drinking.

Barret**: "Yo it time for da final count down!"**

Everybody**:"10...9...8...7...6...5...4...3...2...1... ****HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!" **

  They wait a few minutes and nothing happens.

Vincent**: "What did I tell ya? I knew no-" is interrupted when the power goes out.**

Seph**: "You were saying?"**

Vincent**: "I stand corrected."**

Cid**: "Where the hell are ther damn flash lights?"**

Tifa**: "I think their in the kitchen."**

Cid**: "Just f#$&ing great!" starts to walk away but trips over something. "****AAHHHH*%#*^@^%*#^*%&*#&%*&@^*%&*@!!!!"**

Vincent**: "Hold on a sec." puts his eyes on high beam and the room is lit in a red glow. "That's better."**

Barret**: "How did you do dat?"**

Vincent**: "Hojo did it to me. How else could I do it?"**

Cid**:"Got the flash lights." gives everyone a flash light and Vincent turns off his eyes.**

Aeris**: "Now what are we gonna do?"**

Cloud**: looks at Sephiroth. "I could think of something."**

Seph**: "..........................!" takes a step back.**

Red**: "We should get down to the shelter in case people go on the rampage."**

Vincent**: "Yeah that mi-...............Does anybody else hear that whistling sound?" goes to a window and sees a nuclear warhead coming straight for them. "Oh, s($t."**

Authors note**: ****YES IT'S FINALLY FINISHED!!!! Ok I'm fine now. For those of you who stuck with it and read the entire fanfic I thank you so much. And for those who didn't even bother I can't say I blame you. This is my first fanfic ever so that's why it sucks. You're probably wondering where I got such a stupid idea for a fanfic. Well, I was sitting on my bed waiting to ring in the New Year, listening to the radio when suddenly I got the idea to write a millennium fanfic. I always wanted to write one but didn't think I was good enough. And I just proved it. I didn't expect it to be this long, I was really surprised. Some of the things that happened weren't planed. Like Sephiroth wasn't meant to play such a big roll. And that Cloud was gay.  I actually finished this fic quite a while ago. Don't know why it took me so long to post it though. Oh, well. I'd appreciate any comments you have. Please send them to the address at the beginning of this fic.**

Bye for now.


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